Radical Self-Love
I used to think that I understood true love. I thought I found it in a relationship, my first serious one. We lived together, owned a business, and were practically inseparable.
When I ended the relationship during our 4th winter together, he inherited most of our friends. I had finally come to realize that the validation I sought in him was something that I needed from myself. So I left. My heart was broken but it was being filled by the love of Allah and a growing love and radical acceptance of the woman that I was becoming.
And just when I thought my healing was complete, he resurfaced. I yielded. I hadn’t yet learned that healing isn’t linear and setbacks were a part of the process. So he re-entered my life and I learned my lessons in stages.
I romanticized grand gestures that he undertook to win me back because although I was healing, I had spent a lifetime being starved of love and approval. His scrawny semblance of ‘affection’ felt like my heart was finally being fed. But that isn't really the kind of love that I wanted. It certainly wasn’t what I needed.
I realized that the worst thing to happen was not him no longer loving me. The most detrimental act was me surrendering myself to a plastic form of love. I was grieving the loss of the fantastical view of love that I have while celebrating the clarity that this tumultuous relationship brought me.
Here is what I learned
Love is not power.
Love is not controlling.
Love does not demand that one resist growth and change.
Love is expansion.
Love is a certainty.
Love rests in the eyes of the beloved.
Love is evolution.
How many times have we mistaken something that is not ‘love’ and thought it was the real thing?
And how many times do we give a slanted version of love to ourselves while smothering underserving objects of desire with our highest form of devotion?
Our practice of self-love should be just as urgent, unyielding, and overflowing as the love that we heap upon others. Radical acceptance requires perpetual growth, hard work, and perseverance. It is an uneasy road with the most beautiful destination.
Ask yourself
Have I committed to loving myself wholly and completely?
Do I allow myself room to grow?
Do I devote as much energy to building my relationship with self as I do to building my relationships with others?
What is my heart telling me?
Where are the emotions that I have buried? Is it okay for me to set them free?
What does being loved look like to me?
What am I willing to offer myself in the name of love?
Have I learned to radically and unabashedly accept myself just as I am?
