Releasing The Roots of Sexual Shame
The ways in which we internalize shame and project outward negative emotions about our bodies are innumerable. Shame is sneaky and insidious. Often we can't see it or identify it, but we usually can feel it. In sex, it manifests in many sneaky ways and is often the result of trauma. Having sex with the lights off, not wanting to be touched in certain places or in particular ways. It goes deeper - some women are not able to self-lubricate and others have such a deep and abiding fear of sex that their bodies rebel against them and literally shut down, making penetration impossibly painful. Pleasure knowledge is withheld from us. As adults, we actively resist it by not believing our partners’ experiences and looking for blame rather than resolution and joy. .All of these experiences can be elements of shame as a result of growing up in a sexually traumatized society and culture.
The truth is that many Black women have experienced a degree of sexual trauma when we are yet in our mother’s womb. It is unbeknownst to us but it is as real as the air we breathe. What we understand about genetic memory and the trauma our ancestors faced has shown us that we may be deeply affected by incidents of rape and trauma that were meted out to our ancestors many generations ago. We carry the scars of our foremothers in our very wombs and we harbor the shame they carried as they wrestled with the realization that their bodies were used as chattel as the power and products of their wombs were used for capital gain. The fear and shame of our grandmothers is embedded in our very genetic makeup. It is no wonder, then, that so many of us have become disconnected from the sanctity of our vulvas and our wombs. From a young age, we have been fed messages that our bodies are not our own, are not good enough, and are wholly unworthy. We hear regurgitated skewed religious messaging about female inferiority and forced submission. Our deen is sometimes weaponized to force obeisance to men who would violate the beauty and sanctity of the sexual experience to satisfy a carnal need.
The hypersexualized image of Black women globally has led to the development of divergent and emotionally damaging approaches to discussions of sex and sexuality. There exists, on one extreme, a crippling conservatism that does not allow for the creation of authentic and safe spaces in which to discuss sex. This is juxtaposed with the opposite extreme which promotes promiscuity as a ‘key’ to sexual liberation. As in all things in Islam, we must seek out a middle narrative in which women understand the historical role of sex education and the importance of developing healthy dialogue prompts related to sex. Black women globally have largely been affected by sexual trauma to the extent that it has tarnished our connection to the very act by which we were created. As women, we have to unpack the ways in which religious narratives have been stealthily misused to police women’s bodies and violate the sanctity of our most private parts. Islam did not want us oppressed; Islam is a path of freedom for women. The deen is not laden with shame, but with female empowerment.
“The sexual dimension of being represents the unity of the soul with the body. When it is taught to be bad/dirty it becomes shameful - the mechanism of trauma and disconnection. It closes us off from connection with ourselves, others, and God.”
- An anonymous note from a friend
Shame does not have to be a perpetual characteristic of our sexual selves. There is a way to divest ourselves of its stronghold but it takes intention, focus, knowledge, and clarity to fully harness the power of sacred sexuality. With any form of healing, this requires a methodical process of untangling negative body associations and rewriting a narrative of body ownership and sexual empowerment. If one is partnered, the process becomes layered and more nuanced. We must seek out authentic pathways with our partners where we can freely express our need for emotional support and understanding. The journey to releasing shame, when one is partnered, becomes a tandem experience and a supportive partner is key.
We must intentionally create spaces to discuss how to use traditional techniques and honest conversation to create cyclical intergenerational change in the way that Black women think about, discuss, and approach sexuality
Shame is not an act of volition; it is foisted upon you by others. It is a reaction to other people’s negative perceptions (and projections) and can be debilitating. Modesty, however, is a choice. Shame is a reaction to how you think you should respond, how society and culture, or religion, dictate that you react to the titles, roles, responsibilities, and social cues. It becomes an internalized script that is repeated on an endless loop which then becomes your inner dialogue. It is not what you actually believe, it is what you are repeating. Modesty is a choice to only share certain parts of yourself and, as such, is a form of self-preservation.
To begin to deprogram your feelings around shame when it comes to sex, it helps to write down answers to some challenging questions:
What do you really believe about sex?
How do you feel about your body?
How much of what you feel is rooted in a stereotype or negative messaging that you have heard?
